Planets in Retrograde -- The Basics
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How to Discipline Your Children with Emotional Intelligence |
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How to Discipline Your Children with Emotional Intelligence
Part 3
by Susan DunnThis you understand and deal with at a different level. If you've ever been told by your partner you were "over-reacting," you know how infuriating it is to be told you're angry because you're tired, rather than because you've got just cause. What you do is cut the person some slack at the time, and then educate at a time when they're calm and rested.
At this point in our scenario, it's easy to see Billy's mad. That's a big "doh'. We would be too.
At this point, Catherine needs to::
A. Ask Billy to use words to say how he's feeling
B. Pick up the baby because she's screaming and needs changing
C. Get the frying pan off the stove before the pork chops burn
D. Remove the onion peel from your skirt
E. Put the broccoli casserole in the oven or it will never get done in time
F. Deal with the fact that she feels inadequate as a parent, and embarrassed that Billy did this while I was there
G. Check and see if her cheek is bleeding, and try and remember if she's had a tetanus shot in the past ten years
H. Catch the potatoes, they're now boiling over
I. Get the clothes out of the dryer, the buzzer just went off
J. Answer the d*** phone
K. Hope her husband walks in the door any minute
L. Pray
No, it isn't easy, but it can be learned. The more you learn about emotional intelligence and the more you develop your own, practice it and model it with your children, the higher your Family EQ will be.
Punishing your child without understanding the behavior is like putting merthiolate and bandages on your leg ulcers if you're diabetic. If you only treat the symptom and not the cause, you're going to end up losing the leg.
When the reason for the behavior is not obvious, you can always ask the child why he did it. With older children, this is very effective in preparing to pass the responsibility on to them. Developing your EQ means internalizing self-management; doing it because it's the right thing to do, not because you fear punishment from an authority figure.
I remember asking a beloved young friend of mine why he had been put paper in the fish bowl in Spanish class in 5th grade, and hearing, "I knew I should've taken Drama instead. It's because I'm not getting enough attention."
If the child is too young to articulate it, or won't say, ask the child. "Were you coloring on the television set because you're bored?" Remember it is an affront to the child to tell them why the did it, to put words in their mouths. You may "know," but still ask (and this works for adult miscreants as well). The small friend who comes to visit me has learned to say, "I'm bored. I can't think of anything to do," rather than to torment the cat.
And as to having rules that tell your child what's expected and therefore how to behave if they want the goodies, since I work in the multicultural arena, I am reminded every day of how stressful it is to adults, even, when they can't figure out what they're supposed to do, or why they're getting the reaction they're getting when they haven't a clue.
If rules are in place and abided by, you can all get on to the fun stuff!
For more tips, see "Develop Your Child's EQ: A Practical How-to Guide."
(c) Susan Dunn All rights reserved.
Susan Dunn, MA, Clinical Psychology, The EQ CoachT, Susan Dunn, MA, cEQc, The EQ Coach™, Susan Dunn. Bringing the power of Emotional Intelligence to YOUR life through coaching, eBooks, and distance learning. Midlife, retirement and transition coaching, career and relationships. Email for free EQ ezine. Want to be a certified EQ Coach? Email for information on this fast, affordable, comprehensive, no-residency program. Products available for licensing to build your practice. Visit the best ebook library on the Internet - EBook Library.
Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
~ Robert Benchley ~
Born September 15, 1889
| Fathers Tell Your Stories! | Family Matters Contents |
You Are a Good Enough Mom, Right Now! |
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Last updated June 28th, 2004
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