Planets in Retrograde -- The Basics
By
Rebecca Brents
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Strategies for Surviving Holiday Dinners, Family Events and Other War Zones
Part 3
by Kevin B. BurkTip No. 4: Lose The Battle To Win The War
We have to be very clear about our objectives in terms of our family relationships. If our ultimate goal is to improve our family relationships, we have to be willing to stay focused on the big picture.
The most difficult lesson for most of us to accept is that in order to win the war, we have to be willing to lose the battle. Our long-term objective is to feel more safe and more validated in our family relationships. To reach this goal, we must help our family members to feel safe and validated.
In order to do this, we must be absolutely clear that we are capable of meeting our own safety and validation needs.
We often experience our families as competitive environments. Our old blueprints tell us that there's a limited amount of safety and validation available, and that we must compete with the other members of our family to meet our needs. We insult and snipe at each other because we can only feel safe and validated if the balance in our accounts is greater than the balance in everyone else's accounts.
The more we care about earning other people's approval and validation, the more vulnerable we are. When one of our family members makes a comment designed to make us feel less valid, we do not need to defend ourselves.
We can recognize that this person is asking to be validated, and we can validate them. Sometimes, this means letting them think that we are less successful, accomplished, and generally wonderful than we truly are.
We must be willing to lose every single family argument we encounter. Letting our family members win the argument allows them to feel safe and validated. As long as we remember that we create our own safety and validation, and we do not need to compete with our family members, we can lose the argument because it will help us to win the war.
We must let our family members believe that they are right about whatever the issue is, no matter how blatantly wrong they actually are.
We know the truth. That will have to be enough for us.
E-mail: articles@EveryRelationship.com
Author's URL: Every RelationshipKevin B. Burk has been helping people across the world to improve their relationships since 1993. His latest book is "The Relationship Handbook; How to Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life." Visit Every Relationship for a FREE report on how to create AMAZING Relationships!
Choose your friends carefully. Your enemies will choose you.
~ Yasser Arafat ~
Born August 24, 1929
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| Enchanted Spirit is a non-denominational spiritual center of healing, support, self-improvement, personal guidance, education and writing. We publish multi-media works of New Age thought and information to encourage serenity and growth in individual life choices, advance the universal search for life's meaning, and promote tolerance for positive ideas from all philosophies and religious traditions, believing as we do that truth is where you find it. |
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Last updated December 10th, 2004
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