The Circle of Life -- The Zodiac Signs and the New Moon's Journey
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Rebecca Brents
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Strategies for Surviving Holiday Dinners, Family Events and Other War Zones
Part 4
by Kevin B. BurkTip No. 5: Always, Ever, Never
If we want to relate to our family members as they are now and not as we remember them being in the past, we must eliminate three words from our vocabulary: always, ever and never. In the lexicon of family "discussions,? always, ever and never are relationship air-raid sirens. They signal that an attack has been launched and it's time to duck and cover.
Specifically, we must avoid some of our favorite statements in our family relationships such as, "You always behave this way,? "When have you ever supported me?? and "You never give me any credit.? If we find ourselves using any of these words in a similar context, it's a red flag that we're focused on the past and not on the present.
Likewise, when our family members use these words about us, they're relating to us as we were, not as we are.
As soon as we become aware that we are using these words, we must stop. It's likely that our use of these words has made our family member feel unsafe and invalid. We can apologize for having used one of these words, and acknowledge that we have been unfair.
Something about the current discussion has triggered an unpleasant association for us. If appropriate, we can rephrase the statement, keeping it specific to the present.
If we're on the receiving end of always, ever, never statements, we can choose to respond, rather than to react. In the middle of a family get-together, the wisest choice is often to deflect the statement, perhaps even acknowledge that the statement may have some validity when applied to the past, and then change the subject.
If the discussion has uncovered an old wound, the wound will still be there for us to heal at a more appropriate time and in a more appropriate environment.
(c) 2004 Kevin B. Burk, All rights reserved.Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life by Kevin B. Burk
E-mail: articles@EveryRelationship.com
Author's URL: Every RelationshipKevin B. Burk has been helping people across the world to improve their relationships since 1993. His latest book is "The Relationship Handbook; How to Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life." Visit Every Relationship for a FREE report on how to create AMAZING Relationships!
For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting.
~ Robert Benchley ~
Born September 15, 1889
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Last updated December 10th, 2004
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