Household Principles for Children from the Old Testament

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Laws of Forbidden Places
f the beasts of the field, and
of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you
may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers,
you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or
with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of
the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of
bright colour and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat,
but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those
in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry
such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet
begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you
drink.
But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching
something, then may you eat in the living room.
Laws When at Table
nd if you are seated in your
high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs
and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your
feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have
an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination,
and worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it
any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are
for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent
away.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain
upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to
your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be
sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until
you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what
is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has
done the same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food;
neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to
wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a
marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do
that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees,
do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is
why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one
side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for
if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as
I have said, it has come to pass.
Laws Pertaining to Dessert
or we judge between the plate
that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is
clean, then you shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you
have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite
consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where
I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks,
both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you
eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas,
yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a
small portion thereof.
And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or
peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not,
you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no
dessert.
On Screaming
Do not scream; for it is as if
you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not
wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to
the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand;
but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the
server may correct the fault.
Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which
every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal
seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain
from screaming.
Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a
faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover
your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish
as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
Concerning Face and Hands
ast your countenance upward to
the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you
off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is
rice thereon.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the
tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner
wonderful to see.
Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each
finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how
iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence
until I have done.
Various Other Laws, Statutes, and
Ordinances
ite not, lest you be cast into
quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any
kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub
yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that
you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I
read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to
madness.
Nor forget what I said about the
tape.