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	It's Not About the Bananas by Helaine Iris Path of Purpose Coaching
Astrology, Tarot, and Self Improvement for the New Age.

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It's Not About the Bananas
by Helaine Iris

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I can't believe I'm telling you this.

The other day, my husband came through the door with a bag of groceries. Bananas in particular. " Honey," I asked, "why didn't you ask ME if we needed anything?" I was secretly annoyed because I'd been planning a trip to the grocery store myself.

He responded by telling me we were nearly out of bananas, which are an important part of his daily health drink. With my increasingly busy schedule, he decided to take responsibility for his own banana needs. Simple enough, right?

Wrong. I got upset. I began to argue that he was insensitive by not thinking of the needs of the household. He reacted and told me I was not tuned into his need for bananas. The classic marital argument ensued and spiraled downward very quickly. There we were facing off in the kitchen. Tears in my eyes, him exasperated and both ready to walk away and write the whole thing off. Just then, something amazing happened. My husband said, "This isn't about bananas!"

In that moment something profound took place. As if by grace, I stopped my train of thought. I took a deep breath. I became aware that I had two choices. I could hold my ground because I wanted to be right and prove myself the good wife. Or I could take an honest look inside myself. I could look to see what was really going on.

Gazing into the eyes of the man I love, I realized what was driving me. It was the need to be right. I thought I had something to lose if I was wrong. I created a whole story about what his buying bananas meant. Not only did I make several assumptions, but I took his actions personally as well. When I made assumptions I got locked into fear-based thoughts instead of seeking facts. When I took things personally I saw only my needs and lost touch with a bigger reality.

This banana story, which now seems funny, taught me a powerful lesson. It showed me what happens when my actions are based on assumptions instead of facts. It showed me what happens when I take my partners actions personally and react to them.

What assumptions are you making?

What are you taking personally and carrying around as hurt feelings?

Are there times in your relationship where you'd rather be right than risk finding out something about yourself - something you'd rather not admit?

Can you imagine the intimacy that becomes possible when you realize you have nothing to loose?

Here are five powerful tips for improving communication and intimacy in relationships. The first two are based on Don Miguel Ruiz book The Four Agreements:

1. Don't make assumptions. Ask questions instead. Experiment with expressing what you really want. Communicate clearly to avoid misunderstanding.

2. Don't take things personally. What others say or do is about them not you. We tend to project our own reality onto others. When we stop taking things personally we end our suffering.

3. Be willing to have nothing to lose. If we embrace love and truth - instead of fear - all we can really lose is our limiting beliefs that keep us stuck and separate from our ourselves and others.

4. Open to mindfulness in the ordinary moments of your life. Enlightenment isn't a destination. It can be as simple as how aware you are willing to be in the middle of an argument ... even about bananas.

5. Remember, when you become aware you are feeling hurt or bad...you always have a choice. To be right or to be free.

Want to know how the story ended?

I released the need to be right. I chose freedom. I chose to see my husband as my partner in growth. We had a wonderful, open conversation about what truly matters to us. We left the kitchen together laughing and loving each other more than ever.

For us, bananas will never just be bananas.

It's your life...imagine the possibilities!

(c) 2002 Helaine Iris, All rights reserved.

Helaine Iris is a Certified Life Coach She works with individuals, entrepreneurs, professionals, and leaders who want more out of life. People, who want to lead successful, balanced lives filled with love, passion and purpose. Are you ready to take a step that could change your life? For a complimentary session visit her website -- Path of Purpose Coaching or call her 603-357-8546 or email her helaine@pathofpurpose.com

If you do not express your own original ideas,
if you do not listen to your own being,
you will have betrayed yourself.
Also, you will have betrayed your community
in failing to make your contribution.
~ Rollo May ~
The Courage to Create
Man's Search for Himself
Born April 21, 1909

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Enchanted Spirit is a non-denominational spiritual center of healing, support, self-improvement, personal guidance, education and writing. We publish multi-media works of New Age thought and information to encourage serenity and growth in individual life choices, advance the universal search for life's meaning, and promote tolerance for positive ideas from all philosophies and religious traditions, believing as we do that truth is where you find it.

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Last updated March 19th, 2007

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Let It Be Easy: Simple Actions to Create an Extraordinary Life
By
Tolly Burkan