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	Doubts, Fears and Emotional Intelligence by Susan Dunn Momentum Coaching
Astrology, Tarot, and Self Improvement for the New Age.

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Doubts, Fears and Emotional Intelligence
by Susan Dunn

I'm with John James, my 7 year old friend, in the park, and he is miserable. He's halfway up the climbing frame and has frozen, unable to move forward. Tears run down his face, and I can hear him talking to himself. I walk over to see what the problem is.

"My mind is telling me not to do this," he says, "My mind is telling me not to do this." He doesn't look at me. He's talking to himself. Children do this out loud. Later, as adults, it just goes on in our heads.

I put my hands on him to encourage him forward, showing him where to place his hands and feet, and I reassure him he'll be safe. The reality is, it's easier than the slide, which he's already done 10 times.

He panics, pushes my hands away and inches his way back down. "No it's not safe," he tells me angrily.

When he's back on terra firma, I suggest we go try something else. But no! He starts back up again, only to stop at the same place and sob, "It's not fair. Every other child can climb this." (Yes, he's a verbally precocious 7 year old.)

"Don't climb it if you won't want to, John James," I say.

"But I DO want to," he counters, even more upset.

What's going on here? The same process we go through as adults when we confront something we're not sure we can handle. A battle of fear and desire, doubt and courage, fantasy and reality.

John James wantS to climb the frame, he's afraid, and he wants to conquer his fear, so he's talking to himself about it. And to me when I'm around. He gets mad at me the same way he's mad at himself.

His mind is telling him it might be dangerous, and he verbalizes this, since we've worked on EQ. He's also considering the possibility that it might be safe, seeing that every other kid is doing it.

This dialogue and misery continue.

Reality Check V. Emotions

Fast forward about half an hour, and he's happily at the top for the umpteenth time. He's so proud of himself he can't do it often enough, and he calls to me each time he gets to the top. He got over his fears and doubts by thinking it through, taking a break, calming down, and coming back to it several times.

He did a reality check in several ways. One way was to look to me to see if I was afraid for him. I was not. I was sure he could do it.

He also couldn't help noticing children much smaller than he were doing it. This is consensual validation, looking around to see others are doing it and they're fine.

He took a break and calmed down. We sat and chatted on a bench for a while. Emotions can't be maintained at a high level for long, and after some time passed things looked different to him because they felt different to him.

Our Doubts Are Traitors

Shakespeare said, "Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt."

Whether we're 7 or 70, it's human nature - in fact necessary to survival - that we feel safe and secure. Anything new is a potential threat to this feeling. After all, it's the unknown.

Change + Doubts = Stress

We're all getting more used to more change in our lives these days, but that's partly what's responsible for the increased stress we're all feeling. Researchers Holmes and Rahe who invented a stress measurement scale about 20 years ago, confirm that life is about 50% more stressful these days.

In fact some of our major current stressors don't even appear on their original scale, such as blending families, downsizing, terrorism, bullying or mobbing in the workplace, stock market volatility and addiction of child or family member.

Twenty years ago you might have been required to do something new once a year. Now it's more like once a week, or even once a day. Things move faster, and change comes more often.

No sooner do you learn one software, then you need to learn another one. You relocate for a job, and 18 months later your company wants you to move again. Your career field suddenly becomes obsolete, or untenable. You get a promotion, but its into management and you have no specific training. Your husband of 20 years leaves you for a 20 year old.

New things bring emotions. Usually a mixture of fear and excitement, doubt, and confusion.

However, as a coach, and as a mother, and as a person, I've never seen anyone not try something new (that was safe and desirable) as long as they had support and confidence. Support is from an external source (coach, friend, partner, boss). Confidence is internal and built from previous successes.

You can see in the case of John James, he worked it through on his own, but also used me at times. Or at any rate, he knew he was not alone in his struggles. He argued with me just as he did with himself.

Exercise

To learn to handle your doubt, calm yourself, take some time, and get into your thinking brain (neocortex) and analyze. Good EQ is good reality-testing. If it's something dangerous, stupid or illogical, don't do it.

If it will get you where you want to go, go for it. How do you do this?

1. Hire a coach.

2. Find examples that directly contradict your fears.

3. Wait till your emotions calm down. Practice self-soothing exercises to speed up the process, i.e., play piano, warm bath, exercise, meditation, yoga.

4. Manage around your doubt.

5. Don't judge yourself about your emotions, just deal with them. No need to be "perfect," just progressing.

6. Consider fear as "excitement turned inside out."

When you manage doubt, you're able to try new things, which brings success and builds self-esteem and confidence. You retain your zest and enthusiasm for life because new things are more exciting than the status quo.

Most importantly, you gain certainty. You FEEL a whole lot better about life, yourself and others. If you think back on a time of doubt and indecision, you'll recall it's one of the most unpleasant positions to be in.

Work on your Emotional Intelligence. It pays off.

P.S. Process afterwards and celebrate. On the way home from the park, John James and I talked about how he felt to have succeeded in climbing the frame - proud and happy.

This is important to your sense of personal power. The emotions of fear and doubt at the time are strong, and you don't want to "rehearse" that and relive it. You want to reinforce that you succeeded and how good it felt. This builds resilience, an EQ competency.

Now when John James faces an unrealistic doubt, we can say, "Remember how you first felt about the climbing frame at the park?"

Susan Dunn, MA, Clinical Psychology, The EQ CoachT, Susan Dunn, MA, cEQc, The EQ Coach™, Susan Dunn. Bringing the power of Emotional Intelligence to YOUR life through coaching, eBooks, and distance learning. Midlife, retirement and transition coaching, career and relationships. Email for free EQ ezine. Want to be a certified EQ Coach? Email for information on this fast, affordable, comprehensive, no-residency program. Products available for licensing to build your practice. Visit the best ebook library on the Internet - EBook Library.

Nothing has been purchased more dearly than the little bit of reason and sense of freedom which now constitutes our pride.
~ Friedrich Nietzsche ~
Born October 15, 1844

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Last updated September 4th, 2004

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