Planets in Retrograde -- The Basics
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The Surprising Purpose of Anger: Beyond Anger Management: Finding the Gift
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	Why Do People Cheat? by Susan Dunn Momentum Coaching
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Why Do People Cheat?
by Susan Dunn

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"People usually cheat because there is a conflict between their physical and emotional desires," said an article I read on the Internet, and it went on to talk about the sex drive (which comes from the reptilian brain) and the "emotional monogamous" need, which have only been around for a few thousand years.

The reptilian brain has been around for millions of years, the limbic brain less than that, and the neocortex, still less than that. Those are our three brains, in evolutionary succession. The drives and instincts from the reptilian brain are very strong because they're related to survival -reproduction being one of them.

But the sex drive isn't the only instinct coming from the reptilian brain, and monogamy not the only societal restraint put on these drives, and when we fail to mitigate some of these instincts, to think them through before acting upon them, we always end up "cheating" - ourselves, others, and the best deal in the situation.

Emotional intelligence is all about knowing and using all of our brains and their capacities. We will always be assaulted, so to speak, by feelings we can't, or shouldn't act upon. And "shouldn't" isn't always a bad word.

"Should " you kill someone because they anger you? Of course not. What stops you from doing it? The thousands of years of evolutionary brain development, the constraints of the civilized society in which you live, and your ability to use your limbic and neocortex brains.

It is a rare parent, for instance, who will do willful damage to their own child, no matter what damage they inflict. This is because the limbic brain controls the emotions of social bonding and parenting, and then we also have the neocortex which allows us to think. The catch is, we have to STOP and THINK.

We "understand" when our toddler slams us across the nose with a brick all the things that we understand, while we're seeing stars before out eyes, and our parental instinct is stronger than our desire to lash back, even when in pain.

Emotions predate thinking, and are stronger. They're our guides and keep us safe and alive. But they aren't always appropriate to living in this century. We can no longer "eat what annoys us." When we get strong emotions, we can be "hijacked," because they're designed to shut down thinking. If, back when these instincts developed, we stopped to think, we would be dead.

Consider, for instance, if a wooly mammoth were headed your way. The brain pumps out chemicals saying "fight or flight," because it doesn't want us to take the time to think. This triggers "automatic" responses - we turn and run, or turn to fight, with all systems on full alert.

You know this feeling if you've avoided a car accident by very fast and automatic actions. Being a cerebral type, the thought even flashed through my mind the other day as I slammed on the brakes to avoid being blind-sided by a driver who must've been drunk or stoned, "that cake on the back seat is going to be all over this car." But slam the brakes and steer for dear-life I did. Without thinking.

One strong emotion that "hijacks" us is anger. Say you're at work, tired and pressured to begin with, and maybe it's too hot inside with no air circulation, and maybe the colleague you have to team with on a project isn't your favorite to begin with. If he says to you something that is, or is perceived to be, an insult, you can get "hijacked" and cheat yourself, the other, and the goals of the project.

You stop thinking and start yelling back, or walk out, and the project is left far behind in the dust.

Must you react to this strong emotion of anger? Sometimes a man will say he couldn't help hitting his wife "because she made me so angry." The counter to that is -- think about it -- if Mike Tyson made you that angry could you "help" hitting him.

I think you will agree with the statement that even the strongest emotions can be controlled in your self-interest, and stopping to think makes it clearer what your self-interest (and the general good) is.

Another strong emotion like this is fear. If you become intimidated by someone, that is to say scared, you will also get flooded with emotion and not think clearly. You'll "cheat" again -yourself, the others, and the goals.

If you shout order and insults at your child to "make" him do something, you're cheating your child of the chance to do what you want, because he can't even think, and also cheating yourself of your child's love and respect.

You know this feeling if you've ever received terrible news. I sat with someone as their doctor told her she had cancer and it was terminal, and the person did not absorb what was being said. Two weeks later she asked me why something was being done, and I had to tell her the news the doctor had. As a self-preservation measure, her brain just shut down.

So how do you keep from cheating? When the emotions are strong, note them, and experience them, but don't react immediately. Respond instead. This means putting a gap between the stimulus (the arousing person or event) and your response (action).

You can do this first of all by becoming aware. Self-awareness is the cornerstone of emotional intelligence. Without it, there can be no emotional intelligence.

You need to be able to observe yourself and recognize a feeling as it happens. Then handle it appropriately, realizing what's behind it and finding ways to manage fear, anger, anxieties and sadness. Then channel the emotions in service of a goal, using emotional self-control, stifling impulses and delaying gratification.

Finally, you have to be able to do this about the other person or persons, being sensitive to their feelings and understanding their position, and, when necessary, managing the emotions of others using social competence.

Those impulses will always be lurking around. Cheating is an option, not a necessity. It's your ability to choose how you behave that gives you Personal Power, an EQ competency, and your freedom lies in that space between the stimulus and the response.

(c) 2004 Susan Dunn, All rights reserved.

Susan Dunn, MA, Clinical Psychology, The EQ CoachT, Susan Dunn. Susan is the author of "How to Live Your Life with Emotional Intelligence."

I offer coaching around emotional intelligence for career, relationships, resilience (the skill for this decade), transitions, retirement, and personal and professional development. I train managers and coaches to teach EQ.

Mailto: sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE eZines.

For free daily tips on how to develop your EQ, send blank email to: EQ4U.

You know, it's not the world that was my oppressor, because what the world does to you, if the world does it to you long enough and effectively enough, you begin to do to yourself.
~ James Baldwin ~
Born August 2, 1924

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Last updated October 8th, 2004

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