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	Using Your Emotional Intelligence in Difficult Conversations Part 3 by Susan Dunn Momentum Coaching
Astrology, Tarot, and Self Improvement for the New Age.

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Using Your Emotional Intelligence in Difficult Conversations
Part 3
by Susan Dunn

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An honest and authentic discussion feels good, and you can show some vulnerability. At attack situation feels bad, and you must defend yourself.

In "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense," Elgin gives many good examples of sentences which indicate you're shadow-boxing and I refer you to her excellent book for examples and sample responses that work.

Some of them are:

If you really ...
Even you should ...
Everyone understands why you ...

Reading these -- removed from the heat of the moment -- you can quickly see that they are fishing, vague, and full of hidden implications. For instance, if someone says to you: "It would seem to me that if you cared... " this implies, but does not directly state, that you do not care. That's what you address, says Elgin, not whatever follows.

You're likely to react emotionally in one of two ways. Either you will become angry at the insinuation, or you will realize the person is either incompetent or plain out mean, or both, and be disgusted (and perhaps afraid).

As Ms. Elgin so eloquently puts it, "As in any other martial art, unnecessary force is dishonorable and merely indicates that you are either an amateur or a sadist." We do not like to see someone go after a gnat with a machine gun, whether it's ourselves or someone else, and so we react to this emotionally.

In either case, if you remain in the emotional state, you're likely not to handle yourself well. It is annoying to be insulted. In your anger, you may spill, babbling things that don't advance your cause. It is infuriating when the person won't come out and fight in the open. You may then lash out, or withdraw and appear arrogant, and hang yourself in your silence.

Most of the battles you'll engage in nowadays are verbal battles, and you need to be prepared. In some circles, and with some individuals, it's a traditional mode of communication.

How you handle these interchanges is all predicated on your emotional intelligence, i.e., your ability to hold your emotions at bay when under attack, think rationally, and proceed without self-sabotaging. And generally speaking, the more confidence you have in your ability to handle yourself in adversarial verbal situations, the less likely they are to occur.

Get some coaching and get some practice. It will pay off.

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Susan Dunn, MA, Clinical Psychology, The EQ CoachT, Susan Dunn, MA, cEQc, The EQ Coach™, Susan Dunn. Bringing the power of Emotional Intelligence to YOUR life through coaching, eBooks, and distance learning. Midlife, retirement and transition coaching, career and relationships. Email for free EQ ezine. Want to be a certified EQ Coach? Email for information on this fast, affordable, comprehensive, no-residency program. Products available for licensing to build your practice. Visit the best ebook library on the Internet - EBook Library.

Susan Dunn. Susan is the author of "How to Live Your Life with Emotional Intelligence." I offer coaching around emotional intelligence for career, relationships, resilience (the skill for this decade), transitions, retirement, and personal and professional development. I train managers and coaches to teach EQ. Mailto: sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE eZines. For free daily tips on how to develop your EQ, send blank email to: EQ4U.

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Last updated November 6th, 2004

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Today Matters : 12 Daily Practices to Guarantee Tomorrow's Success
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