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	The Active Role of Silence Part 2 by Susan Dunn Momentum Coaching
Astrology, Tarot, and Self Improvement for the New Age.

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The Active Role of Silence
Part 2
by Susan Dunn

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5. Rudeness.

Because of the nature of normal conversation in the US, allowing an extended silence can be perceived as rudeness, and even meant that way. Refusing to reply to the other person is a way of ignoring them.

6. A listening space.

When you are profoundly listening to someone, you create an open space for them to talk that's almost palpable. Good listeners know how to do this, and it can be learned. It's an openness that you transmit through nonverbal means. Study emotional intelligence and nonverbal communication, and you'll pick up on these cues better.

For instance, if you really are giving your undivided attention to someone else, your pupils will widen. This is a sign that you're willing to "let it all come in," in the same way that opened pupils allow more light to come in.

Our pupils expand when we see something we like, and contract when we want to shut something out " thus the "slanted pig eyes" of someone who's furious. If you're not mindful of this, it's completely automatic (unconscious) and so reveals a lot to the other person who is savvy about it. However, with practice you can bring it more under mindful control.

You can learn to give this sort of eye contact to someone intentionally. It's part of knowing EQ and being mindful. And what a gift! It says, "Open up. I'm here. I'm listening. I want to hear what you have to say, and to understand."

7. Empathy.

Silence can be an indication of empathy. When we are really tuning in to how the other person is feeling about what they're saying, we're listening more to the tone of their voice, cadence and speed rather than the actual words, and so replying with words may not be the attuned response.

We indicate this to the other by being slow to respond and not jumping in to words. Sometimes sounds are more attuned ... a murmur, a sigh, sucking in the breath in shock, soothing, cooing sounds, clucking, or shaking the head and going uh, uh, uh. Similarly, we use the sound "hmmm" when we are deep in thought contemplating what the other has said.

Take Home Point

If you want to become an excellent and effective communicator, study the uses of silence. When we choose to allow silence, and what we do when it's presented to us, tests our communication abilities.

Excellent communicators:

• Can allow silence when it's effective or called for
• Avoid being pressured into "spilling" when silence is used manipulatively
• Offer silence as a gift or sign of respect
• Interpret the silence of others appropriately
• Understand the way other people and other cultures use silence
• Mindfully regulate the use of silence in a conversation
• Are comfortable with silence and understand its many uses

(c) 2004 Susan Dunn, All rights reserved.

Page: 1 2

Susan Dunn, MA, Clinical Psychology, The EQ CoachT, Susan Dunn, MA, cEQc, The EQ Coach™, Susan Dunn. Bringing the power of Emotional Intelligence to YOUR life through coaching, eBooks, and distance learning. Midlife, retirement and transition coaching, career and relationships. Email for free EQ ezine. Want to be a certified EQ Coach? Email for information on this fast, affordable, comprehensive, no-residency program. Products available for licensing to build your practice. Visit the best ebook library on the Internet - EBook Library.

Susan Dunn. Susan is the author of "How to Live Your Life with Emotional Intelligence." I offer coaching around emotional intelligence for career, relationships, resilience (the skill for this decade), transitions, retirement, and personal and professional development. I train managers and coaches to teach EQ. Mailto: sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE eZines. For free daily tips on how to develop your EQ, send blank email to: EQ4U.

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Born December 20, 1957

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Last updated January 1st, 2005

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