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	Dating The Bitter Truth Part 1 by Susan Dunn Momentum Coaching
Astrology, Tarot, and Self Improvement for the New Age.

Dating
The Bitter Truth
Part 1
by Susan Dunn

Page: 1 2

I don't know about you, but when someone says to me, "I'm going to be brutally frank with you," I usually say, "No, you're not," and walk away.

It's a common misconception that telling someone your version of "the truth" is helpful to them, and evidence of virtue in you. Actually it often amounts to a projection or rationalization that harms, serving your purpose and not the other's.

There are professions where delivering bad news is what they do. Physicians, psychologists, and managers routinely must tell people they have stage four cancer, or are mentally ill, or are going to be fired. It's their job. Teachers and parents are also required to instruct children about behavior, manners, appearance and character. However, this does not carry over to the private lives and relationships of adults.

Dating involves the risk of rejection. Typically it involves ambivalence. We start out testing at every turn who the person is, what it's like to be with them, and how good the fit is. It provides many opportunities for kindness or meanness, many opportunities for you to be at your best, or at your worst.

"Discretion is the better part of valor," said Shakespeare'. This means be brave but also sensible. Be courageous, not reckless; authentic but also sensitive.

If you have a criticism to make of someone you're dating, use your EQ. Think it over carefully before you speak. Be especially careful in intimate moments when the chemicals are dreamy and inhibitions are down. You can blurt out something you may regret at a time when they're wide open.

Ask yourself these questions:

• Is it projection - something you've got yourself that you're passing over to the other? Is it really your temper you're concerned about and not theirs?
• Will what you have to say cause more harm than good?
• Is it something the other person can do something about? (I can lose 20 lbs., but I can't become 10 years younger.)
• Is it more important to you to be "right" than in relationship?
• Are you observing sloppy boundaries, dragging your last lover or partner into this new relationship and comparing?
• Is it really a control issue?
• Is there a better time and place to say this, or a better way to address it entirely?
• Might it naturally take care of itself?
• Are you emotionally unavailable, destined to find fault with everyone?
• Are you coming from your ego, or from your heart?

Consider also the circumstances, patterns and the likelihood of something recurring. In other words the plain-out appropriateness of what you're thinking of saying.

For instance, you're on your third date, he's taken you dancing, he's sweating like a stuck pig and smells bad. Yes, you could tell him. On the other hand, you're in an open-air dance hall, it's 90 degrees on the dance floor, they've been playing nothing but polkas for 30 minutes, and there's nothing he can do about it at that moment. Wouldn't the kindest thing be to ignore it?

You will either (1) never see him again, or (2) be around him next time you're getting ready to go out and can suggest a bit more deodorant. "Remember how hot it was last time we were dancing?" say you. "Don't forget the deodorant, darling."

Or you've had a couple of dates with a woman you thought you were in love with and have suddenly decided she's too fat and you're going to tell her because "it's about her health." Have you measured her body fat ratio? Who put you in charge of her body and her health? Aren't there really other things you dislike and you've just rationalized an easy way out? Or is this a test you're not mindful of to see how much control you'll be able to have over her in the future? If you do this for a living, get off the time clock. If you're practicing medicine without a license, stop.

Page: 1 2

Susan Dunn, MA, Clinical Psychology, The EQ CoachT, Susan Dunn, MA, cEQc, The EQ Coach™, Susan Dunn. Bringing the power of Emotional Intelligence to YOUR life through coaching, eBooks, and distance learning. Midlife, retirement and transition coaching, career and relationships. Email for free EQ ezine. Want to be a certified EQ Coach? Email for information on this fast, affordable, comprehensive, no-residency program. Products available for licensing to build your practice. Visit the best ebook library on the Internet - EBook Library.

Susan Dunn. Susan is the author of "How to Live Your Life with Emotional Intelligence." I offer coaching around emotional intelligence for career, relationships, resilience (the skill for this decade), transitions, retirement, and personal and professional development. I train managers and coaches to teach EQ. Mailto: sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE eZines. For free daily tips on how to develop your EQ, send blank email to: EQ4U.

Relationships based on obligation lack dignity.
~ Wayne Dyer ~
Born March 10, 1940

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Last updated January 27th, 2008

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The Herbalist
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