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	Coping with Your Abuser Part 6 by Sam Vaknin
Astrology, Tarot, and Self Improvement for the New Age.

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Coping with Your Abuser
Part 6
by Sam Vaknin

Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6

This shifts the responsibility from the offender to his prey. The abused must have done something to bring about their own maltreatment -- or simply were emotionally "unavailable" to help the abuser with his problems. Healing is guaranteed if only the victim were willing to participate in a treatment plan and communicate with the abuser. So goes the orthodoxy.

Refusal to do so -- in other words, refusal to risk further abuse -- is harshly judged by the therapist. The victim is labeled uncooperative, resistant, or even abusive!

The key is, therefore, feigned acquiescence and collaboration with the therapist's scheme, acceptance of his/her interpretation of the events, and the use of key phrases such as: "I wish to communicate/work with (the abuser)", "trauma", "relationship", "healing process", "inner child", "the good of the children", "the importance of fathering", "significant other" and other psycho-babble. Learn the jargon, use it intelligently and you are bound to win the therapist's sympathy.

Above all -- do not be assertive, or aggressive and do not overtly criticize the therapist or disagree with him/her.

I make the therapist sound like yet another potential abuser -- because in many cases, he/she becomes one as they inadvertently collude with the abuser, invalidate the abuse experiences, and pathologize the victim.

(IIc) Refuse All Contact

Be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts, counsellors, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate.

Do NOT contravene the decisions of the system. Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings -- but NEVER rebel against them or ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and your interests.

But with the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts -- decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist.

Do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening e-mail messages.

Return all gifts he sends you.

Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the intercom.

Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him, in a single, polite but firm, sentence, that you are determined not to talk to him.

Do not answer his letters.

Do not visit him on special occasions, or in emergencies.

Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you through third parties.

Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at his behest.

Do not discuss him with your children.

Do not gossip about him.

Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need.

When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs -- or his.

Relegate any inevitable contact with him -- when and where possible -- to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant.

Sam Vaknin is the author of Malignant Self Love -- Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain -- How the West Lost the East. He is a columnist for Central Europe Review, PopMatters, and eBookWeb , a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open Directory Bellaonline, and Suite101 .

Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government of Macedonia.

Visit Sam's Web site at http://samvak.tripod.com
Contact him at: palma@unet.com.mk

Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6

Are you looking for more information on Self-Promotion, Self-Confidence, Creativity, Leadership, Leisure, and Romance?

Leo is the astrology sign that deals specifically with Self-Promotion, Self-Confidence, Creativity, Leadership, Leisure, and Romance. Learn more about Leo.
The information here tells all about Leo Astrology.

Leo Horoscope

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Last updated August 21st, 2004

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Tell Me More About the Tarot
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The Work We Were Born to Do: Find the Work You Love, Love the Work You Do
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Nick Williams