Planets in Retrograde -- The Basics
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Solving Tough Problems: An Open Way of Talking, Listening, and Creating New Realities
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	Get Out of Jail Free Stop Being Defensive Part 2 by Sharon Ellison Powerful Non-Defensive Communication
Astrology, Tarot, and Self Improvement for the New Age.

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Get Out of Jail Free
Stop Being Defensive
Part 2
by Sharon Ellison

Page: 1 2

Number Two: Disarming questions - Focus on curiosity: When Marcus, slumped and scowling, says he is "fine," Sally does have an important piece of information. For some reason he can't or won't talk about what is going on.

Sally had begun to work on her own defensiveness, and one day when Marcus seemed upset, she asked him gently, without conveying any coaxing, demand or accusation:

"Are you going to refuse to talk to me if I ask you what is wrong?" Sally reported that Marcus sat stone-silent for a while and then "it was as if the stone melted, and tears streamed down his face. (Taking the War Out of Our Words, p. 98)

They had the best talk they'd had in years. It can seem like a miracle when we ask a question that is simply curious, when we don't try to control the answer. Sally said she and Marcus had the best talk they'd had in years.

But what if the person doesn't open up? What do we do then?

Number Three: Giving Feedback - Be honest without blame: We can tell the person what we are witnessing without trying to prove our point.

Sally could say to Marcus,

(1) "When I hear you say that you are fine, which usually means to me that someone is in a pretty good mood, and
(2) at the same time I see you frowning and slumped in your chair, then
(3) it seems to me that you are upset, but don't want to tell me why."

In one sentence, Sally has given Marcus information about what she thinks his words are saying, what she sees his body expressing that contradicts his words, and what her conclusion is about why he is acting that way. But she has not tried in any way to force him to admit to anything or to do anything differently.

Number Four: Express your own thoughts, feelings and beliefs-Share your own vulnerability. Once the person knows how we see the situation, we can express our own reactions without being defensive. Sally might continue her statement to Marcus by saying:

(4) "So I feel helpless, and it's hard for me not to try to make you talk, but I don't think that is good for either of us."

Number Five: Predictions (Limit Setting)-Create security by being predictable: We can tell the other person ahead of time how we will respond to certain choices he or she might make. Sally can let Marcus know what she will do if he decides either to talk or not to talk. For example, she might say,

(1) "If you decide to tell me what is going on, I would really like to talk to you about it. (2) If you don't want to talk, then I'm going to go work in the yard so I don't get tempted to try to drag it out of you."

The Outcome: We simply gather information, give information, and provide security by letting the person know how we are going to respond to certain choices he or she might make. Never do we try to control the other person's responses.

Even if the other person stays defensive, we can be more peaceful and we can communicate with integrity and clarity. We can set boundaries that keep us out of power struggle and strengthen our own self-esteem. The miracle is how often the other person will drop her or his defenses and open up.

After a decade of fighting when Marcus withdrew in silence, Sally's single question dissolved his defenses and he was able to tell her about the war going on inside of him that kept him from talking when he was upset.

Page: 1 2

This article is based on the book Taking the War Out of Our Words by Sharon Ellison, available through your local bookstore or favorite online bookseller. Sharon Ellison, M.S. is an award winning speaker and international consultant.

Visit her website at: Powerful Non-Defensive Communication

Are you looking for more information on Relationships, Cooperation, Teamwork, Diplomacy, Negotiation, and Cultural Issues?

Libra is the astrology sign that deals specifically with Relationships, Cooperation, Teamwork, Diplomacy, Negotiation, and Cultural Issues. Learn more about Libra.
The information here tells all about Libra Astrology.

Libra Horoscope

Most of the arguments to which I am a party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.
~ Robert Benchley ~
Born September 15, 1889

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Last updated January 31st, 2004

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