The Circle of Life -- The Zodiac Signs and the New Moon's Journey
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Rebecca Brents

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Turn On Your Inner Light: Fitness for Body, Mind and Soul
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Debbie E. Mandel, Bernie S. Siegel

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	Libra Astrology Self Improvement for Libra Get Out of Jail Free Stop Being Defensive Part 1 by Sharon Ellison Powerful Non-Defensive Communication
Astrology, Tarot, and Self Improvement for the New Age.

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Get Out of Jail Free
Stop Being Defensive
Part 1
by Sharon Ellison

Because There is Unity
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Page: 1 2

When Marcus and Sally first met they immediately felt like kindred spirits. Marcus was generally warm and open. But as their relationship continued, Sally noticed that sometimes when he was upset he had trouble talking.

When she asked Marcus what was bothering him, he would reply that nothing was wrong. Only when she coaxed him would he eventually tell her. As time went on, his resistance increased. The more she probed, the more reluctant he was . . . neither of them felt an ounce of kinship; they didn't even like each other. (Taking the War Out of Our Words, pp. 8-9)

Sadly, this is how many of us expect a relationship to unfold. After the "honeymoon period" and "real life" sets in, people get into ongoing conflicts that erode the bond of love between them, imprisoning them in long-term power struggles. It happens with our children and our own parents, as well as with our intimate partner or spouse.

Is this just the way things have to be? I don't think so. I believe that most of us, whatever our race or culture, have learned a way of talking to each other that is based on the "rules of war." So, for centuries, we've been using rules for talking to each other that actually create and intensify conflict!

How does it work? Well, in a war, whenever you feel threatened by someone, you get defensive. And that's just what we do in our relationships, even with the people we love most.

How long does it take you to get defensive? When I ask audience members how long it takes to get defensive when someone pushes their buttons or puts them down, the answers range from "a nano-second" to "instantly!" What about you?

In Sally's case, she got more aggressive as time went on. When Marcus would say,

'I told you, nothing is wrong!"' Sally would move quickly into her own anger ... 'Look, I am not a stupid woman. I can tell when something is wrong!' (TWOW, p. 9)

Marcus is sending a double message, glowering in his chair while saying he's not upset, and Sally is trying to force him to talk. Both are behaving in ways that are manipulative and controlling.

What can we do differently? Well, this is a big task, but one I believe is well worth the effort. The skills we need to communicate non-defensively are actually rather simple. When I teach them to third graders they learn them quickly. As adults, we have more to unlearn and we often resist change. Here are some key steps.

Number One: The non-defensive mind and heart set-Stop trying to control the other person: For example, we can give up the idea of "getting through" to the other person, making her or him listen to us or admit something. Whenever we do that, are trying to force the other person to change. Such force creates war.

Page: 1 2

This article is based on the book Taking the War Out of Our Words by Sharon Ellison, available through your local bookstore or favorite online bookseller. Sharon Ellison, M.S. is an award winning speaker and international consultant.

Visit her website at: Powerful Non-Defensive Communication

Are you looking for more information on Relationships, Cooperation, Teamwork, Diplomacy, Negotiation, and Cultural Issues?

Libra is the astrology sign that deals specifically with Relationships, Cooperation, Teamwork, Diplomacy, Negotiation, and Cultural Issues. Learn more about Libra.
The information here tells all about Libra Astrology.

Libra Horoscope

It's odd being an American now.
Most of us are peaceful, but here we are again,
in our fifth major war of this century.
~ Pete Hamill ~
Born June 24, 1935

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Enchanted Spirit is a non-denominational spiritual center of healing, support, self-improvement, personal guidance, education and writing. We publish multi-media works of New Age thought and information to encourage serenity and growth in individual life choices, advance the universal search for life's meaning, and promote tolerance for positive ideas from all philosophies and religious traditions, believing as we do that truth is where you find it.

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Last updated January 31st, 2004

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The Goddess Tarot Workbook
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