How to Hint Properly
Part 2
by Susan Dunn
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I think men ask also "hint" for things. They ask for something else when they don't know how to ask for what they want, or what it's called, and in that sense, it's a "hint."
Take kids for instance -- always a safer topic, right? When your three year old scoops his plate off the table and on to the floor he's "hinting" that he doesn't like something. I almost wrote "doesn't like what's being served," but it could be anything with a three year old, and that's the trouble with "hints." Maybe it wasn't the carrots but the color of the plate that annoyed him, or his little sister.
When your partner complains about the way the house looks, or the way the dinner tastes, it may be a "hint" that he'd like more affection. Ya know?
When you tell your administrative assistant, "Go run this off and collate it for me," you are "hinting." There are two ways to collate. (Yes there are. Did you know that? See how hard it is?) And what happens after that? Collate them and then do what?
My doctor told me the other day, "Take this PRN." That's a hint. What does "PRN" mean?
Does being direct and not hinting insure you'll get what you want? No. But neither does being indirect and hinting, and the chances are higher if you're direct. And being clear about what you want is a lot better for your sense of personal power.
Come on and hawk it up like a hair ball. You've probably discovered in intimate relationship communication by now, you're a lot better off to go ahead and say it. If you don't, because you fear it will harm the relationship, you're right, it might.
But not saying something that important will definitely harm the relationship. Somewhere down the line the unspoken "Don't kiss me like that, kiss me like this," becomes a divorce. Who ever meant for it to go that far?
Clear up your communication as best you can, and work on your tone of voice. We're all in this together!
TONE OF VOICE
Sometimes people think being "direct," means being loud, stern, or forceful. Maybe you think it should be accompanied by pointing fingers and pounding fists. Not at all! It often works well to soften your voice when you're preparing to be direct. After all when we hear something loud and threatening (always a personal perception and personal threshold), we're geared to fight or flight and we don't receive information well.
Don't know about you, but I tend to stumble into all my greatest learning experiences. I remember the first time I got a sore throat when I had a child in the house and couldn't talk above a whisper. He did everything I asked, like a little lamb. I've also tried it at work. I find I have exceptionally peaceful days when I have a cold and can't talk loud. hmmm
HINTS DON'T WORK
It is the hardest thing in the world to come out and say what you want, clearly and distinctly, in a way that can be answered "yes" or "no." It's particularly important when it matters most -- when it's emotional, and involves someone you love.
Asking for something you want emotionally puts you in a vulnerable position. It's also high-risk. If the answer is "no," all hope has been removed. However, it defines you as a person with choices who makes demands and has boundaries.
It frees you to go and get what you want elsewhere, or to redefine what you want. It gives you knowledge and information. It takes you out of the fantasy world of wishing and hoping, and puts you clearly on the path to being an agent in your own life and getting what you want that can be gotten!
GO FOR IT!
(c) 2004 Susan Dunn, All rights reserved
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Susan Dunn, MA, Clinical Psychology, The EQ CoachT, Susan Dunn, MA, cEQc, The EQ Coach™, Susan Dunn. Bringing the power of Emotional Intelligence to YOUR life through coaching, eBooks, and distance learning. Midlife, retirement and transition coaching, career and relationships. Email for free EQ ezine. Want to be a certified EQ Coach? Email for information on this fast, affordable, comprehensive, no-residency program. Products available for licensing to build your practice. Visit the best ebook library on the Internet - EBook Library.