The Querencia
What You Don't Change Can Kill You
by Susan Dunn
There's a term in bullfighting called querencia. Querencia refers to something crucial to the bull's safety that ultimately causes its demise.
Just as a bull has what's called a "dominant horn," which the matador must learn about, there is a spot in the bullring that the bull will return to instinctively. That's the querencia.
Did you ever wonder, when watching a bullfight, why it seems to keep occurring in the same part of the ring? Different for each match, but the same within that one match. Each bull has its own querencia, and as the fight progresses, and the bull becomes more stressed, it returns to this place again and again. You could call this it's comfort zone.
Now I'm sure you can see that this sort of mindless predictability in an adversarial situation is costly. Once the matador learns the querencia, he can anticipate the bull's move. As the bull returns each time, the matador is waiting. He has the edge.
It's likely that you have a querencia and it would pay to learn about it. The difference between you and a bull is that you can think under pressure, and learn what puts you in peril. You don't have to keep running to a place that's eventually going to get you killed.
Is there something 'familiar' you keep returning to that's putting you in peril? It could be a house that you won't let go of. I've had clients cling to houses that kept them in a town with no economy and no jobs, or one that was sinking them financially because of foundation problems, or even refusing to leave that 'querencia' in order to marry a man across the country who also could not move. It keeps the person stuck, unable to progress in life, causing a death of sorts.
THE BELIEF QUERENCIA
Or maybe you keep returning to a belief that is harmful. You are convinced that you can't make it to CEO, or that no one would marry a woman over 50, or that a 'real man' isn't faithful to one woman. Each time you act on this belief, you cause harm to yourself and others, and yet you return to it again and again, because it's your querencia, your comfort zone.
THE THOUGHT QUERENCIA
Returning to old thoughts can be a perilous querencia. Ruminating over lost love and refusing to love again, or dwelling on old hurts so you attract the same in the future. Your thought-querencia can be a war story. We know from research that telling war stories (revisiting anger-provoking incidents) stresses the body just as much as the original incident. That's a querencia that leads to a heart attack.
THE EMOTION QUERENCIA
Some people's querencia is a habit of emotion. Whatever happens, their comfort zone is anger. When they're frustrated, confused, hurt, afraid, or even bored, they run instinctively, like the bulls in Pamplona, to their emotional querencia of anger and blaming others.
Predictable anger incidentally, will surely do you in. It allows other people to manipulate you as no other emotion except perhaps lust. Think of the story of Othello. Iago was able to destroy him without laying a hand on him, because he knew the man's emotional makeup and insecurities. He knew the querencia and all he had to do was pull out the white handkerchief, I mean red cape, and Otello did the rest. See Otello -- A Story of Emotional Intelligence Gone Bad.
IDENTIFY YOUR QUERENCIA
The querencia gives new perspective to being stuck. When you're stalled out, repeating the same self-defeating maneuvers take a look at the querencia. The matador is, and he wears many faces.
If you can't see your querencia, get some feedback from a coach. You know how clear the playing field is when you're sitting in the stands? Someone else can see where you run to -- in fact that's the whole point. Get someone to take a look at your querencia who's on your side, and has your safety and benefit at heart.
Susan Dunn, MA, Clinical Psychology, The EQ CoachT, Susan Dunn, MA, cEQc, The EQ Coach™, Susan Dunn. Bringing the power of Emotional Intelligence to YOUR life through coaching, eBooks, and distance learning. Midlife, retirement and transition coaching, career and relationships. Email for free EQ ezine. Want to be a certified EQ Coach? Email for information on this fast, affordable, comprehensive, no-residency program. Products available for licensing to build your practice. Visit the best ebook library on the Internet - EBook Library.
Susan Dunn. Susan is the author of "How to Live Your Life with Emotional Intelligence." I offer coaching around emotional intelligence for career, relationships, resilience (the skill for this decade), transitions, retirement, and personal and professional development. I train managers and coaches to teach EQ. Mailto: sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE eZines. For free daily tips on how to develop your EQ, send blank email to: EQ4U.